Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Confession Of A Broken Heart

I got a BIG confession. It may be small to you guys, but to me it isn't. Its something I had been keeping for months. Something that I was shy to admit. Something nobody will actually understand. Well here it goes, I've been tearing and emoing almost every single night while thinking loads about life. (Actually while typing this, I'm tearing at the same time.) I'm just so afraid to face the future. I'm always wondering what will happen tomorrow, next year or maybe even 10 years later? Some are bad, some are good. I really hate this feeling. Why can't I just be like those people who actually enjoy their life to the fullest and not worrying a thing? Sigh.

Sometimes, I really do feel left out not only among my friends, but also my family. Whenever I was suppose to teach my sisters, I would. But they don't seem to bother what I'm talking and do not appreciate anything I did. Whatever that goes into their ear will come out from the other. Whatever notes I spend all night writing for them, they would loose it or maybe just keep it without taking a look at it. I just feel that all my efforts and time I put in, isn't appreciated at all. Then, they'll complain to my parents that I did not teach them and I'll get the scoldings. Isn't it unfair? And my parents are like putting high hopes on me, which really stress me loads. Even if they ask me to teach them, they'll be shouting and asking me in a rude way. Like today, I was totally pissed off at them for asking me in a rude way, so I talked and shouted back at them and walked into my room and sit around the corner and tear. I know I know, I'm sensitive. Say all you want. I don't give a damn.

Among my friends, I just feel like they are all having their own world by themselves. Now, I actually realized that I'm wrong and I'm nothing to them. Without me or with me, stuff will still be the same. To tell you the truth, I do not have loads of friends. Just only a handful. I've been trying to let it out to them, but somehow whenever I try to open my mouth, something will just come up like my friends will be saying some other thing which I wouldn't want to interrupt and even I do say it out, they wouldn't understand how I feel and I don't think they would even give a shit about me, but ignore and sometimes, they will give me a whatever expression saying they don't give a shit. Why is it so hard to find someone who can actually accompany me all night, listening to all my stuff and also understand how I feel? Maybe cause nobody what to? Or maybe cause I'm nothing and unimportant? Gahh. By the way, I'm saying these not to ask for sympathy or blaming anyone else. I just feel like letting it out, so I could feel much better. Right now, I'm actually suppose to study Geography, but nothing could go into my mind. Instead, loads of stupid stuff running through my mind.

I even cry about prefect. I know it sounds stupid, but yeah. Do you know how hard is it to be a head prefect? And do you know, because of prefect, people who don't know the difference between friends and prefects will hate you just because you scolded them for doing something wrong? And that's part of the reason why I do not really have friends. Gahhh. I've been receiving loads of ihateyous from some random people who I hardly talk to. Actually, I've been very nice and lineal to my prefects from the starting of the school. But I guess, because of this nice attitude towards them, they are now trying to take advantage on me. And when I say taking advantage, I really mean taking advantage. So, because of that, I start to change myself and be really strict towards them. Whatever mistakes they did, I'll record it down and give it to the discipline teacher or maybe scold and embarrass them in front of everyone. And because of this, everyone start looking at me in a different way. I really don't seem to understand why! When I'm doing something nice, I'll get the disadvantage, and when I'm doing something mean, I'll also get the disadvantage. When I do something right, I'll get the blame, and when I do something wrong, I'll get the blame. Why must it always be me? Sometimes I wish disadvantage doesn't exist in this world.

Fuhh. I had enough.
I feel much better after letting out part of it. There are still certain things I wouldn't want to say it right now. Maybe cause I'm still not ready to. I don't know what's got into me today. Maybe PMS, but whatever la. Bye. Gotta sleep. Sweet dreams.

I am crying, a part of me is dying and
These are, these are
The confessions of a broken heart.

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